


A letter to Kaidan

by anyrei



Series: A letter to Kaidan [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Mass Effect 2, Post-Horizon (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-05 00:24:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4158582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyrei/pseuds/anyrei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard is dealing with her emotions after receiving Kaidan's letter</p>
            </blockquote>





	A letter to Kaidan

**Author's Note:**

> This is unbeta-ed and english isn't my first language. So sorry for any grammar/phrasing fails in this story. Also this is part of a series. There will be another one of these but from a male!Shepard's perspective. Hope you like it.

**A letter to Kaidan**

 

 

_Shepard,_

 

_I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_

 

_Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside._

 

_But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die -- on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself._

 

_When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care._

 

_\--Kaidan_

 

I have no idea how often I had read these lines now, here in the quietness of my quarters. I didn't want my crew to see how much this affected me – seeing Kaidan again on Horizon was a big shock. Kelly had noticed – but she wouldn't be a good counselor if she hadn't.

 

His photo lays heavily in my hand, my fingers touching the outlines of his face. It's two years for Kaidan, for me it's only a month since Ilos. The memory is still fresh and very vivid in my mind. I cling to it every night before I sleep. I still remember how it felt when Kaidan had me wrapped up in his strong arms, how his kisses felt and how –.

 

He always gave me a feeling of security. Every time we went out on a mission together, he always had my back. I trusted him with my life – in the end I trusted him with my heart.

 

My eyes are burning and – shit, I have no idea what to do. I feel frustrated, angry and desperate. Angry and desperate because I thought he knew me better. It was like he didn't trust me anymore and that hurt and shocked me more than I'd thought.

 

The photo in my hand goes back on my desk and I watch my fishes for a few minutes to calm down.

 

Kaidan was always loyal to the Alliance but he should know better and see that I don't have a choice working with Cerberus. I mean, the first thing I did was flying to the Citadel – talking with Anderson, see if I could talk the Alliance and the Council into helping me with our missing colonies. But the Council wouldn't even talk to me (surprise, surprise) and the Alliance had given up on me and my team. Like before – they are too stupid and stubborn to listen and this is too damn important.

 

I have no idea how I should take his letter. He wrote that our night meant everything for him and _for fuck sake_ , I feel the same. I want him back and I miss him – I miss how good he used to make me feel with just being at my side.

 

I have to convince him that I'm still the same. Maybe...

 

My fingers move over the keypad to open a new mail window before I could stop them.

 

_Kaidan,_

 

The cursor blinks, mocking me to write further but I just don't know how to begin. My gaze wanders back to his photo, to his warm, brown eyes and his ever so serious face. I write a few words only to delete them again for being shallow and meaningless. This is ridiculous – I was told that I give the best speeches but writing a damn letter is impossible hard at the moment.

 

_I'd never thought it could be this hard writing a letter. I don't even know were I should begin. This is too important for me to mess it up._

 

No, this is stupid. I feel the frustration growing as I hit the backspace button to delete everything. My bed is offering me warmth and relaxation as I let myself fall into it, staring at the ceiling that is painted in the blue light of my aquarium.

 

It's so silent.

 

On every other ship you can hear and feel the engines. But not on the Normandy. Tali once complained about it but it's the first time I really understand why this can be bothering. I turn around, pressing my face into my pillow, trying to clear my head and calming my racing heart.

 

I know I can't find peace if I don't write an answer to Kaidan. I need him to understand. I need him to come back. I just need him.

 

I close my eyes, trying to conjure an image of him in my mind. The first thing I see are always his warm, brown eyes from that wonderful night, expressing the love he has for me, the promise that here and now, we would be together and this was all that mattered in the universe. It captivated me, made me feel loved and complete.

 

My heart is aching now. My body feels heavy and it takes some serious self motivation (get your lazy ass up!) to get out of the bed again and back to the terminal.

 

I have to write this letter now. This is a distraction I can't afford to have. I'm expecting the same from my crew – we all need to be at our best fighting against the Reapers.

 

_Kaidan,_

 

_I know it's two years for you but for me Ilos is just a few weeks ago. To answer your question – I do remember that night and I will never forget it. I feel the same about it, this – us, it means everything to me._

 

_I wish circumstances were different and I was back with the Alliance or working for the Council. Actually this was one of the first things I've tried since I'm topside again, but the Council didn't even want to speak with me – except for Anderson. Working with Cerberus isn't something I chose. They brought me back from the dead but that doesn't mean I trust them. We have the same goal at the moment and I'm using their information and resources to fight against the Reapers. Sadly they're the only organization who cares about our colonies at the moment. But still – and this is what I don't understand because you should know me better – I don't trust them! I know what Cerberus did in the past. I was there! That's why I try to get as much of the original crew back together as possible. In this fight I need people I can trust at my side. And people that still trust me._

_You already saw Garrus, but Joker, Dr. Chakwas and Tali are also here. You know how much Tali hates Cerberus but she still trusts me. I just wish..._

 

_I didn't change, Kaidan. I'm still me. I know a lot happened in your life and I'm sorry that you suffered so much when I died (that's still strange to say). I take it from your letter that you maybe found someone new in your life and I try not to be jealous (I'm failing epically...) but you should know that I'm waiting for you. I probably always will._

 

_We never had much time to really enjoy our time together, right? But still I'll treasure every minute we had. I don't know if I'll make it out of this mission alive again so before I go fighting the Reapers – I just want to tell you that – I love you, Kaidan._

 

_Be careful out there, wherever you are._

 

_\-- Shepard_


End file.
